 |
| CONNECTIONS Chapter 26 Elizabeth found sleep almost impossible as she turned the day’s events over in her head. The last 13 hours had seen her move from a conviction that Mr Darcy enjoyed her company but viewed her as little more than a pleasant distraction, to an optimistic suspicion that his admiration might be the stuff of real substance. The hope she’d felt upon the colonel’s inadvertent revelations had allowed her to view Mr Darcy’s attentions in a whole different light. Where previously Elizabeth interpreted his behaviour as careless of her feelings, she could now, ironically, see that he might construe her own manners in Kent as indifferent to his. She sighed at the realisation that her own attempts to protect her heart may have, in fact, done nothing more than work against her own happiness. She could no longer deny what she felt toward Mr Darcy by casting it as merely ‘attraction’, ‘esteem’, or simply ‘infatuation’. No; for the first time she admitted to herself that she was truly and totally in love, and the vulnerability that came with such an admission was extreme. “Well,” she mumbled to herself wryly, “If his affection stands the test of my often withdrawn behaviour of these past few weeks, at least l will know he’s in earnest.” Elizabeth awoke the next morning to the same thoughts and meditations which had at length closed her eyes. It was impossible to think of any thing else, and, totally indisposed for employment, she resolved soon after breakfast to indulge herself in air and exercise. She proceeded directly to her favourite walk. The recollection of Mr Darcy's sometimes coming there brought a smile to her face as she remembered that not all their conversations had been restrained by a polite distance. Her sleep deprived state no doubt contributed to the wave of emotion that enveloped her upon such a memory, and she turned instead up the lane which led her farther from the turnpike road. The park paling was still the boundary on one side, and she soon passed one of the gates into the ground. After walking two or three times along that part of the lane, she was tempted, by the pleasantness of the morning, to stop at the gates and look into the park. The five weeks which she had now passed in Kent had made a great difference in the country, and every day was adding to the verdure of the early trees. She was on the point of continuing her walk, when she caught a glimpse of a gentleman within the sort of grove which edged the park; and feeling a sudden and irrational certainty that she would not know how to act if it was Mr Darcy, she reflexively began to retreat. But the person who advanced was now near enough to see her, and stepping forward with eagerness, pronounced her name. She had turned away, but on hearing herself called in a voice which proved it to be Mr Darcy, she moved again towards the gate. He had by that time reached it also, and holding out a hand, which she instinctively took, he said in a voice that gave the appearance of composure, “I have been walking in the grove some time in the hope of meeting you. Will you do me the honour of joining me for a walk?'' Very little was said by either as Elizabeth accepted and they walked on; Elizabeth desperately searching for something safe to say, and Darcy knowing what he wanted to express, but perhaps still lacking complete courage to do so. After a few superficial comments on the weather and the countryside, Darcy, being struck by the absurdity of the situation, realised now was the moment for his resolution to be executed. “Miss Bennet, may I ask you about something you said last night?” He stopped and turned to look at her directly. “Was it seriously meant when you expressed the hope I would soon visit in Hertfordshire?” Feeling the discomfiture of such a straight question, Elizabeth struggled to honestly answer. Her eyes looked over his left shoulder she replied. “It was certainly seriously meant. Not only would Jane and Mr Bingley be thrilled if you came to stay, but all my family would be pleased. My Father always enjoys your conversation and, since you’re willing to indulge his passion for horses, Ben thinks you…” “No, Elizabeth,” he stopped her, moving a hand up to her face to turn it towards him. “If you answer, let it be for yourself alone. Much as I respect your family, I am asking only you.'' Elizabeth was too much embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, “You are too generous to trifle with me. If you think you could never care for me, say so at once. You must know how ardently I admire and love you, but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.'' Elizabeth, feeling all the awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak immediately, though not very fluently; “Mr Darcy, I… personally… I would be saddened … what I am trying to say is, I would be… overwhelmingly disappointed if you did not come to Hertfordshire.” “You would?” he asked in a soft voice, again moving a hand up to her cheek to turn her face back to his. This time she managed to hold his eye as she nodded. “Then, you might grow to love me?” “No,” she managed in a whisper. “I already do.” The happiness which this reply produced was such as he had probably never felt before; and he surprised himself almost as much as Elizabeth as he slipped his hand from her cheek to behind her neck and moved in to claim her lips in a gentle, but lingering kiss. Though unprepared, Elizabeth was certainly not unwilling to receive this attention. In unguarded moments she had even dreamed of such a circumstance, but had never suspected a kiss could overwhelm so completely. The bare skin of her neck where he his hand asserted a gentle pressure, tingled delightfully, but this was nothing compared to the sensation created by his thumb gently caressing her jaw line and the heat of his mouth moving on hers, encouraging her own lips to tentatively respond. “Oh my…” Elizabeth sighed when he eventually released her. “Oh my, indeed,” Darcy laughed, as he moved back to place another soft kiss upon her lips before taking her hand to continue on their walk. A shy glimpse up him showed an expression of heartfelt delight diffused over his face, and Elizabeth could not but note how well it became him. “I’m sorry if I was too forward,” he apologised on noting the blush in her cheeks. “I doubt you’re sorry in the least, Sir,” Elizabeth gave a slight, embarrassed smile. “You look decidedly pleased with yourself.” Darcy laughed at her perception, “The thing is, I have been longing to do just that for so long now; since you and Mrs Bingley were trapped by the rain at Netherfield, at least. Still, perhaps it would have been more gentlemanly had I asked your permission before taking such a liberty.” “Well, to be honest, Mr Darcy, I’m glad you did not ask,” Elizabeth replied, a little more of her composure returning, “for despite a desire that you might act just as you did, I may have felt it my responsibility to demur in a maidenly fashion.” Such a confession could not go unanswered but by another liberty on Darcy’s part, and Elizabeth found herself pulled into his arms for another kiss before a realisation of how exposed to the laneway they were, led Darcy to guide her to a more sheltered pathway further past the grove. “Mr Darcy…” “Please, Elizabeth, ‘William’,” Darcy interrupted. “‘Mr Darcy’ is a much too formal form of address; it seems almost coy coming from your lips given their recent occupation.” “William then…” Elizabeth managed to say, colour again rising to her cheeks. “Oh! I’ve forgotten what I was about to say… of what were we speaking?” Darcy smiled at her discomposure. “Perhaps we were speaking of when we might marry. If we were not, we certainly should have been.” Elizabeth, too content with such a comment to quibble, kindly forewent pointing out to him that he had not actually proposed nor had she accepted. Instead she offered, “Two days ago we seemed to be treading on egg shells.” A little bewilderment was evident in her voice. “How did this just happen?” “If you are asking the question ‘why now?’, my love, I think that might be for you to answer. I’ve known for certain that I wanted to propose to you since the night of 24 December -- from the moment I caught sight of you again at Lady Brentworthington’s ball. Since then I’ve just been waiting for an indication that you might actually accept me.” Elizabeth coloured at his reference to the ball. “It is not a night that I like to recall. I believe I would wipe it from my life if I could; there are certainly some words I would have unsaid.” “Oh no! Do not wish it,” Darcy replied. “As uncomfortable as our confrontation proved, what did you say of me that I did not deserve? I had already begun to recognise the conceit and the audacity of my interference in Bingley’s affairs, but it took your words to truly open my eyes to myself. To my ‘arrogance, conceit, and selfish disdain of the feelings of others’.” “Oh! Do not repeat what I then said. These recollections will not do at all. I assure you that I have long been most heartily ashamed of my accusations that evening. Though I truly wanted to continue being angry with you, your generous behaviour made it difficult, if not impossible. Encountering you at Christmas evensong was exceedingly awkward. My conscience told me that I deserved no extraordinary politeness, and I confess that I did not expect to receive more than my due.'' “My object then,'' replied Darcy, “was to show you, by every civility in my power, that I could consider other’s feelings before my own; and I hoped to obtain your forgiveness, to lessen your ill opinion, by letting you see I had taken your reproofs to heart and was willing to do what I could to mend my fault with Bingley. Indeed, it would have been difficult to justify holding to any self-righteous pride or bitterness after the message preached that night.” Elizabeth laughed at his disclosure. “Oh, there’s something reassuring in knowing I was not the only one feeling discomforted by that evening’s sermon, but you did better than I, for I truly wanted to nurture my resentment. It was fortunate that you had you sister with you that evening, for her presence kept me civil. Shocking as it is to admit, I was determined to forget you and to live well, but your solicitous attentions, your admission of error, and especially your efforts to make things right for Charles and Jane, proved very unsettling when I was trying so hard to maintain my resolution to dislike you.” “My actions were hardly all altruistic, Elizabeth. Though telling myself I must act honourably for honour’s sake alone, I am certain that within minutes of seeing you within the church that other, more selfish, wishes again predominated. I like to think I’d have acted rightly even if there were no hope of regaining your esteem, but I will not deny the thought that perhaps I might still be able to win your favour, added force to the other inducements which led me on.” “I had no idea… you earlier said that I must know that you loved me, but I did not know, I did not think it likely…” Elizabeth looked at the ground as she spoke, feeling the shadow of insecurity left by the emotional uncertainty of the past few months. “I knew that you were not averse to my company when other distractions did not offer; I thought you considered me a friend -- but I could not think that you loved me… If you have felt this way for so long, what made you so unwilling to come to the point at last?” “I was unsure of what my reception might be. I suspected that you had not yet quite forgiven me, for you gave me no encouragement.” “I have forgiven you these many months at least, since before I left London… but I was unsure and embarrassed, and I do have my dignity, Sir,” she claimed, a little playfulness returning to her manner. “Would you have preferred I marked my deference for every opinion you expressed, perhaps admired the evenness of your writing, or, alternatively, offered to mend your pens?” “Oh, forbid any such thing!” he smiled. “But I would have given much for an occasional indication that you might hold me a little higher than a common acquaintance. I have felt rather envious of Richard these past weeks. This is why I said earlier that the question of ‘why now?’ was yours to answer. What made you finally open with me yesterday evening? If it was something that I said or did , I wish I had spoken or done it months ago.” “It was nothing you said,” Elizabeth admitted with a blush. “It was rather something your cousin said when we came across each other on our walk yesterday. He intimated you had been out of sorts, ‘cross’ I think was his term, at having to stay in London for winter’s end.” “And such a glowing reference made you like me more?” Darcy asked with a note of confusion in his voice. “Not exactly,” she answered, casting a slight smile in his direction. “I liked you quite well enough already. It’s only that for the first time it occurred to me that your staying away from Hertfordshire might have been something other than your own preference. Colonel Fitzwilliam indicated that it was impossible to take Georgiana to Netherfield whilst there was a chance of her coming across Mr Wickham.” “That was certainly the case; there is a history there I will tell you of another time, but I do not wish to speak of it on such a day as this. Still, I did regret that my staying away might make me seem a very indifferent suitor. On finding you here, however, I saw this as a chance to redeem myself, and hoped that my attentions to you might make some amends for my inattentiveness since Christmas.” “I’m afraid that your renewed attentions only made you appear somewhat capricious,” Elizabeth told him honestly. “I certainly did not allow myself to trust them.” “I am so sorry, Elizabeth. I have convincingly proved myself rather inept as a lover,” Darcy offered ruefully. “Perhaps,” Elizabeth smiled. “ Still, you have done fairly well this morning, and I’m sure you will improve with practise.” “Believe me, my love,” he laughed, but there was a look in his eye that brought a flush to Elizabeth’s cheeks. “I intend to practise a great deal.” Having walked on without attention to direction, they were pleased to find themselves in a secluded corner of the park. Darcy placed Elizabeth on a garden seat before seating himself beside her. Elizabeth repressed an involuntary shiver as Darcy removed her glove and kissed her hand before entwining his fingers in hers. “Do you know, William, this is the very place we encountered each other on your first day at Rosings.” “So it is, Elizabeth. This has always been my favourite walk of the park, but after today it will be infinitely more dear to me.” The place brought back another memory to Elizabeth. “William, it is now clear what first kept you from Hertfordshire, but it does little to explain that of distance in your behaviour at Charles and Jane’s wedding, or your staying away since then. Tell me, did you suspect I might have a tendre for Mr Kingsmill?” “No… I suspected much worse,” Darcy confessed, pressing her hand even tighter. “I thought it likely you had an understanding with the man.” Elizabeth exclaimed at such an idea. “I may have been a little unguarded in my attentions to him on the day that you both called at Gracechurch street, but…” Elizabeth though, was unable to finish, as she found herself roughly silenced by a kiss as Darcy took this opportunity to comprehensively reassure himself she was, in fact, his. Some minutes later, breathless and light-headed, Elizabeth composed herself enough to again request an explanation for such an incredible belief. “Not long before we were to leave for the wedding, I suggested to Georgiana that she might like to invite you to visit at Pemberley during the spring. This was when she told me such a visit would be unlikely, as she’d heard you speaking about spending this season in the country with Mr Kingsmill.” “Yes… I told him I would be visiting here… Oh my...” she paused as it suddenly dawned on her how Mr Darcy would likely have understood Georgiana’s unclear pronouncement. “I could only think that his mother or sister must have invited you at his instigation, and that if you were willing to accept such an invitation, an announcement must soon be expected. For fear of learning of your engagement, I tried not to speak of you; neither did I read the notice pages in the Times or the Courier again until after I ran across you here.” Darcy shook his head at the memory. “You cannot imagine the mixture of relief and delight I felt on hearing you so casually dismiss any thought of Warwickshire and Kingsmill that day. Still, it has taken a further three weeks to finally resolve matters between us, and I find it’s not due to any of my own efforts or charm, but to my cousin telling you that I was cross.” “Oh, William,” Elizabeth could not help but laugh. “It is still better than it might have been otherwise. I did not expect to see you until Hertfordshire. Another, at least, two weeks of suspense would have been terrible.” “I certainly could not have waited that long,” Darcy smiled. “Last night gave me hope, and I knew I could not leave without speaking with you.” “Well, we can certainly learn from this that we must speak with each other. We have shown ourselves by far too obtuse in matters of the heart, to rely on our intuition; so may I begin by reiterating, Mr Darcy, that I love you.” Given the delicious warmth felt at such a declaration, Darcy could not find fault with Elizabeth’s temporary lapse into formality, nor even with her suggestion that he might be in any way obtuse; instead he took the time to assure her of his own love, only in actions rather than words. PREVIOUS Leave a message |
|
|
|