Sharni's Index
KaraLou's Index
Parts 9 - 12
If Elizabeth was feeling discomforted by the turn of circumstances, Darcy was feeling no less so. The revolution that his understanding had gone through since overhearing Elizabeth and Georgiana's conversation, only days earlier, still left him a little shell-shocked.
For the first time in his adult life he had been examining his own presumptions and view of the world, and much of what he had found was cause for disquiet. While part of him was still inclined to feel indignant at Elizabeth's quick dismissal of him, to feel that he had been misrepresented and misunderstood, another more disloyal part of his mind dared to suggest that some of his of his behaviour may have been tainted by a pride which bordered on conceit.
Still, he argued with himself, didn't he have reason for pride? Wasn't some respect due to him on the basis of who he was? Did not his noble and honourable heritage count for anything?
It was not only his birth though, that gave him reason for pride. Hadn't he always lived according to strong principle? Were not his position, intelligence, education and person worthy of any regard?
This justification of his pride gave him some relief, until his dissenting voice went on to suggest that, just because a person has pride in ones-self, it doesn't necessarily follow that they have to think meanly of the rest of the world. His incorrect presumptions about the Gardiners should have at least taught him something about automatically assuming that others had less sense and worth compared with his own.
Still, as worthy as the Gardiners were, it did not change the fact that both socially and financially, they were considerably beneath him. He almost envied the fact that Bingley's situation made the Bennet girls' want of connection a far lesser evil regarding his attachment to Jane, than it would prove to be to himself... if he ever desired an attachment to Elizabeth.
He told himself yet again, that this was a desire he could never indulge. Despite all Elizabeth's attractions, he could never make such an unequal match.
Regardless of such reasoning, Darcy could still not leave matters between himself and Elizabeth, as they were. The idea of her thinking ill of him caused him undeniable pain, and he had an irrefutable need to make her understand him better and to lessen at least some of her ill-opinion.
Whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, he had to admit that his behaviour to Elizabeth had never been open or engaging. He'd spent far more time trying to stay aloof from her than trying to get to know her properly, or even allowing her to see the real him. It was little wonder she'd given credit to Wickham's lies, as he'd never given her reason to doubt them.
So he continued in his wish to show her, by ever civility in his power, that he could act with proper consideration for others, and that he could put aside all that was ill-considered in his treatment of others. He was embarrassed too, that his preoccupation with Elizabeth during this visit had caused him to be a little distant from both Georgiana and Fitzwilliam, and he meant to make it up to them as well.
His introspection though, had caused him to question his real motivation for change. He couldn't determine whether it was predominantly a matter of doing what he now knew to be right and proper, a matter of acting upon wounded pride, or a recognition that he had a deep need to gain the respect of a woman toward whom he felt real admiration. He hoped it was the first, feared it was the second, and denied to himself that it would be the third.
~/~
When Elizabeth visited Rosings on the following day, she was a little relieved that Darcy was not with his sister and cousin. Elizabeth knew that she owed him thanks for the delivery of the letters, and felt that she also owed him gratitude for his reintroduction of Bingley into Jane's company, but having a debt of gratitude to this man she was so determined to hate, did not sit easily with her. She was quite willing to put off the requisite thanks to a later time.
Hoping to get out of the house before coming across him, she suggested a walk, which Georgiana agreed to, and the Colonel declined.
"I promised Darcy I'd ride with him this morning... I must say Georgie, it's good to have him behaving more like himself again. It must have been whatever business took him to London playing on his mind, and making him so withdrawn lately. He's certainly seemed more communicative since his return."
Elizabeth's mind reacted slightly to Colonel Fitzwilliam's comment, rejecting the suggestion that his aloof behaviour while in Kent was at all atypical, then put the matter quickly aside to enjoy the walk.
That evening those from the parsonage were again engaged to dine at Rosings. Elizabeth accepted that she would have to address Darcy with her thanks, and deciding it was time to get the matter over and done with she approached him soon after entering the room.
"I must express my thanks, Mr Darcy, for the delivery of the letters from my Aunt and sister. Receiving mail from them is always a matter of pleasure for me."
The words sounded natural enough, but Darcy noted the formality of the tone and the lack of warmth in her address.
"It was a pleasure to be of service Miss Bennet," Darcy answered immediately, unwilling to lose this opportunity to prove himself not entirely incapable of polite conversation, especially in this instance where she would have to own an interest in that which he could communicate. "Your sister was looking very well. I hope she has being enjoying her stay in London."
"I believe she has been appreciating the company of my aunt and uncle very much," Elizabeth answered, surprised that he seemed to want to continue the conversation.
"I can imagine that she would. Mr and Mrs Gardiner are certainly excellent people. I enjoyed making their acquaintance very much."
If she had not read her aunt's letter, such a comment from Mr Darcy would have been too much for Elizabeth to accept. Despite her astonishment, Elizabeth could not help but find it pleasing. It was good he should know that she had some relations, over whom she had no need to blush.
"Yes, they are great favourites with us," Elizabeth replied giving him a small smile. It was hard not to warm to such a topic of discussion, and she did have to admit to a great deal of curiosity about what had happened, particularly at the theatre. She had been expecting to be kept in suspense about this until the next letters from London came through, but now it seemed that some information might be gleaned from Mr Darcy himself.
"Did you enjoy the theatre last night, Mr Darcy? It was very kind of you to include my family in your invitation."
"I enjoyed it very much Miss Bennet. The theatre is always more pleasurable with company, and Bingley certainly enjoyed the wider circle."
"Were not his sisters available for the evening?" Elizabeth could hardly believe his implication.
"I don't believe that we actually thought to canvass their interest," Darcy replied, in a surprisingly straight manner, but there was amusement in his eyes. "Miss Bingley is currently spending a few weeks at the Hurst townhouse."
Elizabeth didn't know how to react to this news. She felt a huge relief knowing that this would give Bingley a reasonable window of opportunity to pursue any interest in Jane, without his sisters' interference. This however, was almost overwhelmed by the impression that Mr Darcy had the same thing in mind when he conveyed this information.
She was left to ponder on the meaning all he'd said after their conversation was interrupted by Lady Catherine, demanding her nephew's attention.
It was not until the meal was completed, and Lady Catherine, Anne, and the Collinses moved to the card table, that an opportunity was given to Darcy to again try to engage Elizabeth on the subject. Colonel Fitzwilliam was sitting by Georgiana at the piano, and Elizabeth had withdrawn herself a little from their company, when Mr Darcy seated himself at her side.
"Mrs Gardiner led me to understand that you like to attend the theatre in London whenever you have the opportunity."
"I own that I do. On the whole I prefer the country, but the convenience of the theatre and concert halls in London are certainly an inducement to sometimes venture forth to town, that and the pleasure of more time with my aunt and uncle of course."
"So you spend a great deal of time with the Gardiners?"
"Jane and I would spend at least a month with them each year, often longer. We do not normally stay there at the same time though, as my father misses us when we are both gone together."
Darcy could well understand that.
"How is you father managing at the moment then?" he asked, and was pleased to see her smile in reply.
"He wrote me last week, which is a sure sign that he is desiring our return."
"And you plan to return in two weeks, at the same time as your sister?"
"Yes, Jane will join us on our return through London," replied Elizabeth, further surprised that he'd noted the period that Jane still had in town.
"So, are you planning any time with the Gardiners this year," he inquired further, hoping this question was not too forward. He was grateful when Elizabeth answered without showing any sign of offence.
"I am to travel with them this summer on a tour they are taking. We are hoping we may make it as far as the lakes."
This information gave Darcy an easy base of interest for further discussion, and they actually talked of travelling for quite some time.
At the time Elizabeth was so caught up in her anticipation of the journey and in her interest in what he could tell, that she forgot for a time her wariness of her companion and found herself truly enjoying this exchange.
It was not until after she had returned to the parsonage and was preparing for bed, that astonishment at the whole of his behaviour that evening set in. When she considered it all, she became thoroughly annoyed at herself for letting down her guard and appreciating his conversation so much. Certainly she was grateful for his interference on behalf of Bingley and Jane, for interference it obviously was. She also felt gratitude at his civility and attention to her aunt and uncle which, given all she knew of him, she would have never before felt remotely possible, but this still didn't change who he essentially was.
The man was an enigma. Why had he now chosen to be open and amiable? It was a lot easier to know how to react to him when he was sullen and aloof. She had never before seen him with such pleasing manners... She realised the unjustness of this thought as soon as it came to her mind. She recalled his attempts at civility and conversation at Netherfield, particularly at the Netherfield ball. She had just been so irked at the man that she had given these attempts little credit. She also recalled the softness of his manners during his first few days at Rosings, before he seemed to return to his conceited reserve again.
Yes, the man was certainly a riddle. No doubt he would back to his real self by the next time they met. Still, little note of uncertainty settled in the back of her mind as she recalled Colonel Fitzwilliam's comment that morning, "it's good to have him behaving more like himself again". She shook her head and dismissed the idea. She would not think on it any more; it was all too confusing.
Part 10
On the following day Elizabeth was disappointed to find that Mr Darcy had lost none of his recent civility. She was not however, totally unprepared for such an eventuality, having determined during a wakeful period during the night that she would return any interest he might show, with nothing more than cold politeness. She would not let down her guard and repeat her mistake of the previous evening.
Her resolution came to nought though, as Mr Darcy happened to introduce the subject of his visit to the theatre again, resulting in Elizabeth's curiosity getting the better of her. Comments on how well Jane looked, on her uncle's insight, and her aunt's taste, were just too much for Elizabeth to overlook and she ended up in a long discussion with him on the meaning and merits of certain plays.
The discovery of how pleasing his manners could be, were succeeded by some others equally mortifying. Though they disagreed more than once regarding the credit of certain plays, she had to acknowledge his opinions were well formed and intelligent, and in spite of her previous certainty that he would never allow ideas that were not his own, she found that his mind could be quite open to other interpretations, providing they were rationally argued and consistent.
Rather than keeping to himself, Darcy was also spending more of his time in the company of the Colonel and Georgiana. This meant that Elizabeth could no longer avoid his company on her visits to Rosings where Georgie's presence made it necessary for Elizabeth to temper her behaviour toward him. What was most troubling to her though, was that it was taking very little resolution to appear polite or interested. She did not want it to be the case, but she was quite enjoying his addition to their small set.
As the week moved on, more than once did Elizabeth in her ramble within the park, unexpectedly meet Mr Darcy. At first she felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought; and to prevent its ever happening again took care to inform him at first that it was a favourite haunt of hers. - How it could occur a second time therefore was very odd!- Yet it did, and even a third. It seemed like wilful ill-nature, or a voluntary penance, for on these occasions it was not merely a few formal enquiries and an awkward pause and then away, but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her, and engage her in conversation.
It struck her in the course of their second rencontre that he was asking some odd unconnected questions -- about her pleasure in being at Hunsford, her love of solitary walks, and her opinion of Mr. and Mrs. Collins's happiness; and that in speaking of Rosings, and her not perfectly understanding the house, he seemed to expect that whenever she came into Kent again she would be staying there too. His words seemed to imply it. Could he have Colonel Fitzwilliam in his thoughts? She supposed, if he meant any thing, he must mean an allusion to what might arise in that quarter.
It distressed her a little, as it caused her to wonder if her behaviour toward to the Colonel could really have been so misunderstood as to give rise to such a suspicion. She thought that there was a rather clear understanding that there's was nothing more than a lively friendship between herself and Colonel Fitzwilliam. Still it could not fail to worry her that, if his cousin could assume her conduct implied more than just friendship, the Colonel himself might have misread things too. It would not be the first time that her lively manners had confused someone in regard to her feelings.
The idea that this might cause pain to Georgiana, was a concern indeed. The more time she'd spent with Georgiana, the more protective she felt toward her. Though she had never been told in so many words, Georgiana had let slip enough for Elizabeth to understand that something substantial had caused her hurt in the past. Someone whom she had trusted had betrayed her in a significant way. It was not only evident in Georgiana's demeanour, but also in her brother and cousins protective and concerned behaviour toward her.
Elizabeth had never pushed Georgiana for more detail, as she could tell that the wound was still too raw for Georgiana to want to share in an overt way. Elizabeth therefore had just tried to build up her confidence and encourage Georgie, and had also sought make her focus more on the positive. It was delightful to watch the young lady emerging from her cocoon, and Elizabeth determined, in so far as it had to do with her, that nothing would occur to make her again retreat.
She ran her mind over recent interactions she'd had with the Colonel and felt, with a relief, that she could discern no sign of preference toward herself in his manner. She smiled as she recalled one or two instances where his focus on Georgiana had made him almost inattentive toward herself. No, she was sure Mr Darcy was wrong. Colonel Fitzwilliam held no designs in her direction.
The discomposure of her thoughts though, made her quite glad to find herself at the gate in the pales opposite the Parsonage, and she bid Mr Darcy farewell in a distracted way, before finding refuge in her rooms.
She could not explain why Mr Darcy's questioning still left her feeling so unsettled. Shouldn't her conviction of Colonel Fitzwilliam's romantic indifference have set her completely at ease? Why did it concern her that Mr Darcy should think his cousin attached to her?
A suggestion then hit her like a bolt of lightening. It might not his suspicion that upset her, but rather his easy acceptance of it? Could she be uneasy at Mr Darcy's apparent unconcern at the idea of her being attached to another man?
No, No, No! The whole notion was violently rejected as soon as it entered her head. She did not like Mr Darcy - she would not like him. Sure, she had come to believe him far less abhorrent than she had first at assumed. She could now accept that, like Georgiana, some of what appeared to be arrogance in him was no more than a natural reserve. It seemed that she had also been wrong in her assumption that he wanted Jane and Bingley kept apart. His recent trip to London had shown her that. The problem was that, no matter how amiable he now appeared to be, his cruel treatment of Wickham could not be explained nor excused.
Her eyes caught her aunt's letter on the bedside table and she immediately recalled her comment on Wickham's claims. 'I can just suppose our knowledge to be incomplete on that ground...'
No, she had to reject such thinking. She had never doubted Wickham's tale before, and nothing had really occurred that should make her start doubting it now. She chided herself over such capricious thinking. If Mr Darcy's civility could effect her reasoning powers in this way, she decided, it would be best to make more of an effort to stay withdrawn from him.
~/~
Darcy watched Elizabeth enter the parsonage and turned to walk to Rosings. His demeanour gave away nothing of the frustration that he was feeling toward himself at that moment. The last few days he had felt that he was making some headway against Elizabeth's disinclination in regard to him. It had been difficult at first, like a diplomatic undertaking in which he risked the loss of her interest at every moment, but he had played the game with subtlety and acumen, and upon her relaxing a little, had been able to slacken his efforts and just present more of himself in his interactions with her.
Though he had given so much of his time to observing her, whether alone or with others, he had spent remarkably little time actually speaking to her himself, so the pleasure he'd received from their recent exchanges was astonishing. To have her eyes upon him with interest written in them, to see her smile or shake her head at something he'd said, or to even hear her respond with her delightfully musical laugh - it gave him a gratification, a fulfilment that he had rarely experienced.
He supposed that this was what led to the error he had made that afternoon; that which had caused him to forget himself, and to approach some topics that may have implied an interest in marriage to her. He could not really explain how his conversation had developed along these lines. It had been an unconscious turn, which had surprised him almost as much as it had surprised Elizabeth. The whole idea of marriage was out of the question anyway, so he was at a loss to really explain what had been going on in his mind when he asked those questions?
If nothing else they might have given Elizabeth a false impression of his intentions toward her, but this was now the least of his concerns. It seemed to him that these questions may have undone some of the progress he had so recently made toward a friendship with her.
She had seemed puzzled to have run across him again on her walk, but had accepted his company happily enough as they began the walk back toward the parsonage. They were part way home when somehow his inappropriate attraction to Elizabeth must have temporarily overcome his good sense, and he'd begun fishing for her opinions on the state of matrimony, and on family relationships.
She seemed not to notice at first, but then some idea of what his words might allude to must have entered her mind, as she quite quickly became uneasy, and her manner noticeably distracted.
No, he needn't have worried about hurting Elizabeth's feelings by exciting unfounded expectations. If her reaction was anything to go by, she clearly still found the idea of marriage to him a rather unattractive prospect.
His frustration itself, was confusing too. He should have been happy that Elizabeth had no unsuitable wishes in regard to their future association. He should have been relieved and thankful for this knowledge, but instead it brought him down.
If nothing else, his experience of that afternoon had taught him one thing - that he needed to rid himself of any fantasies regarding marriage to Miss Elizabeth Bennet. They were impossible fantasies anyway, prohibited both by his position and honour, and by her feelings. He would by no means be rude, but he again needed to pull back from this entrancing woman.
~/~
On the following morning Elizabeth considered postponing her prearranged meeting with Georgiana. She really understood the necessity of putting some space between herself and Mr Darcy if she was to continue to maintain her objectivity toward him. She reminded herself that manners and appearance could be deceiving, and that it was the essentials of character that really made the man. She had to forget his pleasing attention and intelligent conversation; she had to remember what he had done to Wickham.
Deciding that she could not disappoint Georgiana, she left for Rosings only a little after the appointed meeting time. As she had feared, Mr Darcy was also in the room with his sister. She steeled herself to not be affected by his presence, and seated herself beside Georgiana.
Upon Elizabeth's entering the room, Darcy had decided to only stay long enough to make the requisite polite enquiries, then leave the room. His pleasure at looking at her though, kept him in the room a little longer than he intended and a slight remark that Elizabeth made, mainly to Georgiana, caught his attention and made the idea of leaving the room even more difficult.
Elizabeth glanced up, and caught his dark eyes looking at her yet again. She no longer felt there was any disapproval in his gaze, and the remembrance of Charlotte attributing it to admiration brought a flush to her face before she recalled that, only the day previous, he had been hinting at her marrying Colonel Fitzwilliam. She felt a little silly, and gave Mr Darcy a small smile before turning her attention again to Georgiana.
It was the smile that did it. Darcy abandoned any idea he had of leaving the party that morning. Despite two peoples determined wishes to the contrary, the end of the visit found a distinct division in their group. Colonel Fitzwilliam sat beside Georgiana talking to her of his some of his travels, and Elizabeth and Darcy sat in another part of the room disagreeing, this time, over the underlying theme of a certain new novel.
Part 11
When Elizabeth next ran into Darcy whilst on her ramble, she didn't even attempt to project an aloof disinterest. The last couple of times they had met she'd been determined to be no more than coldly polite, but had somehow been unsuccessful in maintaining the distance she desired. It was extremely frustrating, and Elizabeth had unconsciously decided that it was easier not to try at all, than to try and fail. She had a little under a week left in Kent, and she reasoned that it couldn't hurt to be civil to him for such a short period of time; and that's all it was - basic civility.
Darcy had cursed his weakness as he'd again found himself walking toward the grove he knew to be Elizabeth's favourite. He'd avoided taking this walk since he last interrupted her stroll and so obviously made her uncomfortable with his ill-considered questioning, but it was as if the times he had in her company when she visited Rosings were not enough.
He knew that he was placing himself in danger by paying so much attention to Elizabeth; but he argued that enjoying her company for the short period of time he had left in Kent, could do no real damage to his resolution. His reason also chided him for putting off his departure time from Rosings until just before Elizabeth was due to end her stay at the Parsonage. He had justified this delay by saying it was only right that he should make up the time he had lost by going to London, and his Aunt had accepted such an explanation as perfectly reasonable. His sister and cousin were a little more sceptical, but as they were on the whole enjoying their stay, they saw no need to argue.
Elizabeth was sitting on a bench re-perusing the letter she had, only the day before, received from Jane. Jane had not been particularly forthcoming with information about Mr Bingley, her letter being more full of stories of her younger cousins and other acquaintances of the Gardiners, but she had made passing mention of having seen him a couple of times since the night at the theatre, and her whole tone throughout the missive spoke of her being in very good spirits. If Elizabeth wished for more news on Mr Bingley she knew she'd have to wait for another letter from her Aunt, as Jane's experience seemed to have made her even more discreet than usual.
As intent as she was on her sister's correspondence she did not notice Darcy's approach, and jumped as he addressed her.
"I'm sorry Miss Bennet," Mr Darcy apologised, obviously amused at her reaction. "I didn't mean to startle you."
"Yes, you look very contrite indeed, Mr Darcy," Elizabeth answered with an arch look. "You could at least make some effort to hide your smile."
"I'm so hurt that you could doubt my sincerity?" Darcy replied, not looking in the least concerned. "I'm sure I was only smiling due to the lovely day."
Elizabeth chose to say nothing, but instead threw him a look which more than adequately expressed her scepticism, then turned her attention to folding her letter and slipping it away.
"You haven't seen my cousin and sister at all this morning? They're out walking somewhere."
"No, I'm sorry but I haven't," replied Elizabeth, denying to herself that she'd felt a pang of disappointment at the thought that he'd not been specifically seeking out her company when he'd walked out that day.
"In that case, would you mind if I joined you?" Darcy inquired, and without waiting for an answer sat himself down next to her on the bench.
It was a move he regretted almost immediately, as the bench was not a long one and he was suddenly acutely aware of Elizabeth's close physical proximity.
"I can see why you enjoy this section of the park Miss Bennet," he commented, strongly feeling the need to dilute the intensity of his situation by the introduction of some neutral conversation. "It's quite a delightful aspect from here."
Elizabeth, feeling only slightly less affected by his presence than he was by hers, managed only a vague assent to his words before lapsing into silence again. His closeness to her seemed to emphasise his fine tall person and noble mien, with the effect that she felt very small beside him. With an effort to overcome this unsettling sensation, sat herself up as erectly as she could and counselled herself to rise above this urge to feel intimidated.
"I think what I like most about this area," she spoke projecting an apparent calmness that belied the discomposure she was feeling inside, "is that it seems little effected by human interference. It appears far more natural than many of the other walks in the park, and one can feel much further away from civilisation than one is in reality."
"So it's the aspect of solitude you seek when you come here," Darcy said, giving her an ironic smile, "and it seems I have again managed to interrupt your privacy."
"It does not follow that the interruption is entirely unwelcome," Elizabeth answered, surprised at the truth of these words even as she gave voice to them.
"It's very nice of you to say so," Darcy answered, unable to shake an apprehension that he was somehow intruding, "but maybe I should take my leave now."
His apprehension however, melted upon hearing Elizabeth's soft laugh.
"It is very gallant of you to offer to leave Sir, but not at all necessary. I had finished my meditations anyway, and was considering returning to civilisation myself. I'm afraid that I'm just suffering from the inertia brought on by sitting too long in the sun and indulging my inactivity."
"It's probably a pass-time we indulge in too little," Darcy replied. "I sometimes believe we become so involved in activity, that we can forget the importance of reflection and contemplation."
"It's sometimes easier though, not to think too much on things," Elizabeth replied with more gravity than she intended. "Sometimes too much consideration does no more than send your mind around in circles."
"I can certainly relate to that feeling," Darcy agreed with a short laugh, causing Elizabeth to look up at him in surprise.
"I would not have thought you inclined to be at all diffident in your opinions."
"In some matters I suppose, I could be described as relatively unbending, but there are others that I'm sure are likely to forever perplex me."
I think some men might forever perplex me, was the thought that ran through Elizabeth's mind, but she didn't give voice to it. This man was certainly an enigma.
Elizabeth shifted a little in her seat, and in the process her thigh brushed momentarily against Darcy's. The sensation created by this slight contact was enough to make Darcy feel that it was time to make a move, and he rose to his feet whilst making some comment on the time.
It may have been innate politeness which made him give his hand to help Elizabeth to her feet, but the instinct of preservation that had just caused him to stand was overwhelmed somewhat by her touch, and it was more than politeness which made him offer his arm as they walked back toward the residences. The thrill he experienced when, for once, he did not receive her customary refusal, was undeniable, and he couldn't help but slow his regular pace in order to relish the feeling of her closeness for just that while longer.
Elizabeth pushed back any thoughts she might have had on her current occupation being a betrayal of her friendship with Wickham, and was just enjoying the stroll and the company. Mr Darcy could be a very charming and interesting companion when he let down his barriers, and there was no denying that he was well informed and intelligent. She soon found herself lost in discussion, and the effect that her pert answers and laughing eyes were having on her partner, completely escaped her notice.
It was to Mr Darcy's credit that he dealt with her interest without losing his powers of concentration and conversation. There was one point in the walk where he was very fortunate indeed, to be able to keep his mind on the topic, as a simple action of Elizabeth's had distracted him significantly. Just for a moment, during a reply to one of his comments, she had unaffectedly placed her free hand on his arm, just above where her other hand rested. It wasn't a possessive clinging action like one of Miss Bingley's, in fact, he did not believe that Elizabeth had even registered her motion, but it spoke of an ease with him that just over a week ago he would have not have felt possible, and it affected him intensely.
On bidding her farewell at the Parsonage gate, all he could think of was the feel of her touch on his arm, and of seeing her again at Rosings that night.
Part 12
It was sometime during the next few days that Darcy finally accepted that friendship alone with Elizabeth would never be enough, that it had been nothing short of self delusion to think that he could spend so much time in Elizabeth's company, and be satisfied with anything short of marriage to this beautiful, lively, intelligent and engaging woman.
He had come to a point where all his arguments against such a union sounded ill-conceived, arrogant, and even ridiculous. True, there was much left to be desired in the behaviour of her mother and younger sisters, but the girls were young and lacked the direction of a strong mother figure. They still had time to grow and improve. Even his own dear Georgie had made mistakes due to her youth, and it would seem rather hypocritical to make excuses for his own sister while censuring the conduct of Elizabeth's. The mother was another matter, but then, he could hardly represent the behaviour of his own aunt and her daughter as the epitome of good breeding.
In regard to her connections, meeting the Gardiners had taught him much about making assumptions on people based solely upon their social position. His easy conceit that he would be above them in both sense and worth, had been shown to be more than wanting, and it was a matter of shame to him that it had taken twenty eight years for him to look past such prejudices. As to Elizabeth's lack of a substantial dowry, his own wealth made this really quite insignificant.
The more he thought on Elizabeth, the more any reserves he may have had concerning the match diminished. How could they weigh against the strength of his feelings which continued to grow for this vivacious and enchanting woman who, despite his every effort of his over a period of months, had continued to occupy his thoughts, and even his dreams?
She was delight personified, pure unadulterated delight, but it was more than this which made him long for a deeper union. He rationally believed that between them they had the building blocks of a dynamic, satisfying and fulfilling relationship, in which they both would be better for knowing the other. He knew that Elizabeth had already be the catalyst for positive change in his life, and believed that, if given the chance, he had much of benefit that he could share with her. If Elizabeth's talents were so evident, despite her relatively confined existence and limited life experiences, what could she become if given the opportunity to extend herself and blossom. Oh, how he would love to be the one to expose Elizabeth to all the possibilities this life could offer.
It was without a doubt, time to leave uncertainty behind him, and to work toward his goal. He knew what he wanted, nay - what he needed , and as far as he was able, he was going to facilitate the realisation of his hope; he would work to prove himself worthy of her affection and her esteem.
He was wise enough to understand that this may take time, to know that he had to be very aware of her own feelings as well as his own, but he felt he now had time and opportunity open before him. A letter received from Bingley only that morning, had told Darcy of the progress he felt he was making with Miss Bennet, and that he intended to repair for Netherfied only a week after Jane's own return to Hertfordshire. Darcy was sure that his friend would not object to him again joining him in the country, and he was now glad for more than Bingley's sake, that he had taken the right steps to undo his interference in his friends affairs.
Darcy now had only two days left in Kent, and he did not feel he could delay their departure yet again, besides this, there was little reason to stay longer as Elizabeth would be leaving on the day that followed. Therefore he set his mind to the possibilities that would present themselves through Bingley's residence in Hertfordshire and his relationship with Miss Jane Bennet, and he sincerely hoped that Bingley would end up in a marriage as happy as he intended his own to be.
~/~
Elizabeth had not only given up on her own attempts be withdrawn from Mr Darcy, but over the past few days had caught herself, on more than one occasion, actively seeking his attention and company. The closest she had been able to come in justifying such behaviour, was to tell herself that a comfortable report between herself and Mr Darcy would be a benefit to Jane and Mr Bingley's relationship. Her reason may have wanted to protest the weakness of such an excuse, but she would not let it be heard.
While preparing that evening, for yet another engagement at Rosings, Elizabeth found her mind continually turned to him. She was astonished that her stay in Kent had changed her understanding of him so substantially. Whereas before she had seen little resemblance between him and Georgianna, she could now see that he exhibited very much of the same natural reserve that had, at first, caused her to misconstrue Georgie's behaviour. Also, in understanding some of the sister's insecurities in dealing with the world, she had come to see some partial explanation for the brother's wall of distance and cynicism.
It was now quite obvious to her that once you were allowed past Mr Darcy's defences, you were admitted to the privilege of friendship with a man of superior understanding and information, of thoughtful and well considered opinions, of not inconsiderable powers of conversation and, yes, even charm. That Darcy and Bingley were such close friends no longer puzzled her as it had in Hertfordshire, but she now understood even less of how he could have behaved in such an unprincipled and dishonourable manner as he had toward Mr Wickham. When she found that part of her was conjecturing causes or circumstances that might allow her to put the case down to mistake or misunderstanding rather than maliciousness, she chastised herself for naivety, and laughed that she must have spent too much time with Jane.
Her pragmatism about Wickham though, was not enough to stop her from relaxing into a very agreeable conversation with Mr Darcy and Charlotte that night, and she delighted not only in the respect he afforded herself and her opinions, but in his inclusiveness toward Charlotte. Elizabeth's mind was rather pleasantly engaged when Colonel Fitzwilliam interrupted their exchange.
"Georgianna and I were discussing the stars, and it's such a clear night that we thought it might be the perfect opportunity to walk out and take them in."
There seemed to be general compliance to this idea, until Mrs Jenkins expressed fear for Anne if she were to venture into the night air. Her mother too chose to stay inside, which meant that Mr Collins would also wait, but after Lady Catherine had delivered the requisite lecture on her knowledge of the stars, what they should look for, and from which position they should take in the view, the other five repaired outside.
It was truly a beautiful night, where even the most insignificant star displayed its glory to world and each of the spectators was taken anew by the splendour of creation. Colonel Fitzwilliam drew Georgianna aside to point out certain markers and constellations while the other three sat together on a bench silently taking in the brilliance of the night sky.
"We have not done this for so long Elizabeth," Charlotte eventually sighed. "This recalls to me the many occasions on which we sat out just to look and talk."
"Yes Charlotte, it has been too long since we sought such occupation. Amongst everything which takes our time and attention, we sometimes forget all we have been given for our pleasure if we are just to open our eyes."
Colonel Fitzwilliam's voice drifted across the clear air with some information on navigation by the stars, which caused Charlotte to laugh.
"Do you remember Lizzy, the night we were dining at the Long's home, when you decided it was essential that you should learn how to navigate by the stars?"
"Not particularly Charlotte," replied Elizabeth, a little too distracted by the evening, and also by an acute awareness of the man sitting by her side, to really apply her mind to the circumstance to which Charlotte was alluding. "There were so many occasions when we sought the stars."
"Oh Lizzy, you must remember this time..." Charlotte laughed. "...a young acquaintance of the Long's was visiting, a Naval Lieutenant - and when you expressed an interest in the night sky, he offered to show you the markers by which they find their way."
"Oh no! Did you really have to bring that up," Elizabeth protested. "It was not me he made the offer to, it was us; you and Jane included!"
"Everyone but yourself could see that his willingness to share his knowledge was based on an interest in you alone," Charlotte teased. "You really were a little na?ve."
"I was sixteen!" Elizabeth defended herself. "Do you honestly feel the need to discuss one of the most awkward experiences of my life in front of Mr Darcy. I'm sure he's not at all interested in this tale."
"Quite the contrary," Darcy answered with a smile, fascinated with the idea of a na?ve sixteen year old Elizabeth, and really rather curious about the details of the night. Charlotte's obvious amusement was a clear indication that nothing of a drastic nature took place, and he was somewhat enjoying the novelty of Elizabeth's embarrassment. "Pray... continue."
"Well, the lieutenant, I can't quite recall his name, seemed to have taken what we all knew was Miss Elizabeth Bennet's customary liveliness, as flirtation..."
"Charlotte! Please..."
"...and when she expressed a wish to further her knowledge of the stars I don't think he quite believed his luck, and he enthusiastically agreed to be the agent of such information..."
"Charlotte..."
"The deflated look on his face when he became aware that that Elizabeth accepted his offer as a general one to all in our circle, was something to be seen, and even Jane became suspicious of that which our reputedly perceptive Lizzy, did not."
"I really don't think you need to continue with this..."
"Well, the young man was not one to be put off by a simple obstacle, and once outside attempted a couple of times to separate our Elizabeth from the group, claiming a need to point out different aspects to her, and his frustrations became more evident as he began to realise that Elizabeth was not taking his hints, and that neither Jane nor I were to be shaken."
"Charlotte... I beg you to finish this now.."
"Well... still being determined to carry his point, he did not let the presence of Jane or myself deter his purpose, and he began to court Elizabeth regardless, quoting poetry to her would you believe, and even Elizabeth could not miss this sign."
Darcy was laughing at the picture painted by Charlotte, and becoming increasingly amused at Elizabeth's attempts to turn the conversation.
"Well, I certainly can't fault his taste," Darcy commented to Charlotte, which only caused an increase in Elizabeth's embarrassment.
"Then you obviously didn't hear his choice of poetry," Elizabeth threw at Darcy.
"He was a strikingly handsome young man if I remember correctly," Charlotte continued.
"And incredibly arrogant with it," Elizabeth put in. "He obviously thought that with his looks, he needed to develop no other talents."
"It was truly a most amusing spectacle from this point on Mr Darcy, with Elizabeth politely trying to extract herself from the position she was in, and indicate that she had no real interest in him; as he refused to understand her implication, she became more and more overt in her messages to him. Her quick return to the house made no difference to his wishes, and he followed her every move, taking everything she did and said as some form of encouragement."
"Yes, while you just stood laughing at my predicament," charged Elizabeth, "I'm just glad my father stepped in and rescued me... I went through all that, and never did learn even the rudiments of navigation by the stars."
Darcy wished dearly he could offer to show Elizabeth how this navigation was done, but he was unwilling to have any parallels drawn between him and the young Lieutenant, as his motives would actually be the same. He smiled however, at the thought that his own taste in poetry would probably be better.
"Now that you've manage to bring back all those humiliating memories for me, Charlotte. I don't know if I'll ever again be able to truly enjoy a night sky."
Both Darcy and Charlotte laughed at her exasperated exclamation, causing Elizabeth to further complain about their lack of sympathy, though she really couldn't help laughing with them. It was then that they all registered the sound of Lady Catherine's carriage, and realised that their appreciation of the night sky, and each other's company, was to be cut short.
Mr Darcy offered an arm to both Elizabeth and Mrs Collins, and escorted them through the house to the waiting carriage. While Mrs Collins joined her husband and patiently waited while he made his long goodbyes, Mr Darcy took the opportunity of handing Elizabeth up into her seat. She could not help but register that he held her hand for longer than necessary, then in an action she may have thought was merely gallant, had she not caught the depth of the look in his eyes, he brought her hand to his lips.
There was no time to think on what had just passed before they were joined by the Collinses, and Elizabeth pushed the action aside until she had time to reflect on it in the privacy of her own room.
Elizabeth was ashamed to admit that up until the moment that he kissed her hand, she had been as blind to Mr Darcy's feelings for her, as she had been to the lieutenant's intentions all those years ago. The major difference here being that this time she had feelings in return.
Despite all her efforts to the contrary, she had developed a strong affection toward Mr Darcy. She found that she respected his mind, his opinions and even his ways. She suddenly understood that she had fallen in love with the man, but instead of the joy one might expect to come with such a realisation, or even the confusion, without a doubt her primary emotion was anger. Anger at herself for having fallen for a man who principles were less than those which she had always desired in the man she would love, angry at Wickham for having told her of things she would now be happier not to know, but mostly she was angry at Mr Darcy himself, for having acted in such a dishonourable way and, in doing so, ruining the pleasure she could, at that moment, have been feeling.
Next!
